Tag Archives: Swords

Seattle’s Gettin’ Stabby

I’m an expert on local crime trends because I listen to online police scanners every day.

I’m also an efficiency expert because I play time-management genre video games while I listen to my crime.

Did you know that Seattle has more annual murders by way of sword or machete than any other city in the United States? This is a fact I just made up, which bolsters my status as an expert on crime.

When the temperature rises above seventy-five degrees in this city, every would-be samurai and ninja cracks open the weapons cabinet and starts swinging. I’m not surprised, and I’m certainly not criticizing.

I get it, which is probably why Paul won’t let me keep anything sharper than a butter knife in the house. But this is impractical because it’s just going to take me that much longer to kill someone on a hot day, which would undermine my reputation as a time-management expert.

I think Paul should set up the air conditioner soon. Either that or I’m going machete shopping on the next eighty-degree day. Watch for my crowdfunding page, “Cindy Raises Bail.”

Maybe I’m more cranky because of hunger than heat. I’ll try having a little lunch, some leftover flank steak. I should be done in three hours.

I’d better set up the GoFundMe page first.

Samurai Japan Miyajima Itsukushima Hiroshima
What every sword-wielding jackass in Seattle sees in the mirror

What they really look like

 

Badass Samurai photo courtesy of Max Pixel