Tag Archives: Money

The Chump Factor

I love a good bait-and-switch, especially when I’m the target. Especially when I feel appreciated for being me and not just my willingness to write a check.

I’m always surprised when movie characters are surprised that an artist sees them as walking billfolds, but I’m even more surprised at how surprised I am that it can happen to me.

It’s like that moment in every thriller where someone tiptoes into a pitch-black basement to see what’s making that mysterious noise. The urge to scream “Don’t be an idiot!” is overwhelming, and the result is predictable.

I’m supportive of artists trying to monetize a craft, but if I’m lured to spend money on Project #1 because I’m so wanted as part of the process, then I’m rejected from Project #1 and redirected to Project #2 because it needs more money, at some point my instinct is going to say, “If you go into that basement again, you deserve an unpleasant encounter with a chainsaw.”

So thanks in advance for any further spending artistic opportunities, but:

Maybe you should reach for someone else’s wallet next time

 

Confidence is My Faux Finish

Every time I believe I know what I’m doing with finances, it freaks me out.

That’s usually when I find out I’ve forgotten to pay the electric bill or haven’t checked our bank account in two weeks and now we’re overdrawn by several hundred dollars or, as just happened, miscalculated our IRS tax payments, which caused our anticipated refund to drop by eight hundred dollars.

Even when I get things right, I experience heavy sweating, just waiting for the next fun monetary surprise. I’d like to feel good about the little things I do well, but that feels like total hypocrisy.

What’s it like to experience a sense of confidence that doesn’t lead to a panic attack?

Anyone?

I believe in me_public domain
                                                                                      Liar

 

 

An Idiotic Conversation, Translated

I’m in charge of our household budget. To me, this statement is as frightening as “Nuclear missiles are headed to Seattle.”

Mostly I do okay, but last December I accidentally paid the mortgage twice. Then I did great for three whole months, and just this morning I accidentally paid an extra half-mortgage payment.

I know what you’re thinking: “How does someone accidentally pay extra on their mortgage?”

Why the hell are you asking me? Haven’t you figured out I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing?

After I confessed my newest interesting financial move, Paul and I figured out the necessary adjustments to our accounts, and we’re fine. But I’m freaking out. I keep thinking, “What is my next mistake, and how big will it be?”

(I do understand that there are far worse financial errors I could make besides accidentally paying extra on our mortgage principal. I’m not stupid, entirely. But still.)

After the latest mini-crisis, Paul and I had this conversation:

Me: So do you still trust me with the finances?

(Translation: Please take this shit off my hands.)

Paul: Sure, I do! You’re doing great!

(Translation: You scare the crap out of me, but I sure as hell don’t want the job.)

Me: Well, okay. But at least you’re checking the budget spreadsheet updates I send to you, right?

(Translation: I’m totally alone in this, aren’t I?)

Paul: You bet! Well, I skim them at least. Mostly. From time to time.

(Translation: You sure are.)

what a budget looks like to me_public domain
What I see when I look at a simple budget spreadsheet